Have you ever wondered why you never seem to feel truly happy? Some of us are so used to feeling "less than happy" that we don't even realize that we can be happy. My first conscious episode with depression came in 2002 but looking back now, I struggled long before that and didn't realize it. 
In 2002 I found out that I was pregnant with my 3rd child and my world got crazy.  You would think that I would be ecstatic to add another beautiful baby to my world, after all, I was happily married and already had a beautiful boy and girl, but I wasn't. In fact, I didn't want to be pregnant at all. 
You see, my first child was born in 1995 and in 1998 we decided that 2 years was the normal spread between kids and set out to have another little bundle. Fast forward to 2000 and we'd suffered 3 consecutive miscarriages and also found out that our miscarriage risk was 50/50. Not something a young couple wants to hear. Despite the odds, we got pregnant again and through very careful monitoring from a reproductive endocrinologist and God's grace, we had a healthy baby girl in 2001. If I said the pregnancy was easy, I'd be lying. I was sick through most of it and a nervous wreck through the whole thing just praying it wouldn't end in miscarriage like the others. After she was born, I was done. I didn't want anymore kids. I wasn't going through that again! After all, I had a boy and a girl, a perfect little 4 person family.

Well, in 2002, I became pregnant "by accident" due to a cycle miscalculation and I was absolutely sure this baby would meet the same fate as the others and I refused to be happy about this pregnancy. Throughout the whole pregnancy I was prescribed anti-depressants and had to see a psychologist every month where they asked me questions like "Do you have feelings of suicide? Do you fear you will hurt the baby? and other similar questions. I knew that I would never hurt this baby but I also refused to grow attached to this baby in utero because I didn't know if the pregnancy would survive. Looking back now, my mental state caused me to miss out on the easiest pregnancy I experienced. I was never sick a day of it and I gained very little weight, despite the medication. I had enough energy throughout most of it to keep up with my 6 year old and my 1 year old. This could have been the absolute best time of my life but my mental state prevented that.

My youngest child turned out to be exactly what our little family needed. He is fearless, compassionate, and has the best sense of humor. He also has an independent streak a mile wide but that's another post.
Once my youngest son was born I was able to go off of the medication and life went on always. What I didn't realize was that depression would come knocking at my door again in a big way and almost could have been the end for me. Don't take your mental health for granted, EVER!!
I'll share that story another day....


1 Comment

  1. Donna M Winsloe  10/13/2021 07:01 AM Central
    Great story! Depression is the worst...

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