Last week I left you with the first episode of suicidal thoughts that I struggled with in 2008.  After God spoke to me and set me straight I went to my doctor and got professional help and started on medication. Something I have learned since then is that once you start struggling with depression it is very hard to not fall back into the darkness. 

Things were going good for me for a little while. I started exercising, watching what I was eating and ultimately dropped about 70lbs and started feeling really good about myself. I still weighed more than I wanted to but 155 was a whole lot better than 235. I felt attractive again and started to love myself again. Then the trouble started. You see, I wanted to lose weight and feel better about myself so that my husband would find me more attractive and I would feel more like engaging in certain wifely duties, if you know what I mean. I thought I was being successful in that until my husband accused me of only losing weight so that I could leave him for another man. I was dumb-struck! He couldn't have been more wrong. 

Then in 2009, tragedy struck and my husband was laid off from his job. After he lost his job, he started drinking more and more. He also started arguments with me over everything, especially money and my trying to get him to come to church with the kids and I. He got on my case for spending time with my mother, my friends, my church, literally everything! He also hated that I stopped going to the neighborhood parties because all they ever did there was get drunk and I didn't want any part of that. It got to where if we spoke to each other at all, we were fighting.  The fighting and financial problems continued even after he finally got another job in 2010 making much less than he did before. I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling with me but even though he went, he didn't participate.

I thought my luck was changing when I was offered a job in another city, 360 miles away for 10k more than I was making. I thought it was the perfect opportunity for our family to start over. The house was being repossessed so why not leave it all behind and start fresh. Our marriage counselor said if I took the job our marriage would be over, but I just knew we needed this fresh start and took it anyway. I moved to a place where I didn't know a soul and I fully expected that my husband of 20 years would see that it was a great opportunity and follow me up there to be with me and our kids. I found out how wrong I was when 6 months later he told me he had a girlfriend. I was devastated and seriously contemplated suicide for the second time! I had the bottle of booze and the pills to end it all, but God again came to my rescue and spoke to me. He reminded me that my kids needed me to be there for them.  So, I went to my new doctor in my new town and changed my meds. I also found love and acceptance in my new church.

I started to turn a corner when one night my 8 year old son asked me if I had taken my medicine because he didn't want me to die. Talk about a wake up call!! It was then that I started learning how to really cope with my situation and started seeking out happiness again. I filed for divorce and started spending time with the kids outside taking hikes, going to the park, the museum, church activities, basically anything we could do that wasn't to expensive but gave us quality time together. Eventually, I realized that I was feeling really good about everything and stopped needing the medication all together. I haven't taken any since. I have also learned how to identify when my brain starts falling back into old patterns and have learned how to stop it before it gets a hold of me. I refuse to sink back down into the darkness! I thank God everyday for saving me and showing me how to cope with life. I have learned multiple strategies over the years for coping with life's struggles. Click here to grab my Free Guide to Coping With Life. 


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